When we talk about forgiveness and your relationship with God, it can feel like a slap in the face—especially if you’ve been through serious trauma. Narcissistic abuse. Emotional neglect. Physical, sexual, or spiritual abuse. People will quote scriptures like a bandage, slap it on your bleeding heart, and expect you to smile through the pain. But that’s not what this is.
This isn’t a blog post about pretending everything’s okay. This is about being real. Raw. Messy. This is about going to God with your truth and trusting Him to heal you. Because forgiveness isn’t about them—it’s about you and God.
Let’s talk about forgiveness and your relationship with God.
Let’s talk about Matthew 18:21–35.
Jesus tells the story of a servant who owed his master a massive debt. We’re talking millions in today’s money. The servant begged for mercy, and the master, moved with compassion, forgave the entire debt. Gone. Cleared. But then that same servant left, found a fellow servant who owed him pocket change, and choked him out. Demanded payment. Had him thrown in jail.
When the master heard about it? He was fuming. He had just cancelled a life-crippling debt—and yet, this man couldn’t extend even a sliver of mercy?
Jesus wasn’t just telling a parable. He was giving a picture of what we do when we withhold forgiveness. It’s not about the other person deserving it. It’s about recognising how much God has forgiven us.
You’ve Sinned Too—And Probably Worse
This isn’t to compare pain or minimise abuse. Let’s be very clear—what they did was wrong. What they did broke you. And it’s okay to say that out loud. You don’t have to sugar-coat your trauma to be a Christian.
But here’s the hard truth: you have sinned against God too. Maybe not in the same way, but in the eyes of a holy God, sin is sin. Pride. Rebellion. Bitterness. Hatred. Unforgiveness. Gossip. All of it is mud on the soul.
And yet—He still forgave you. Through the blood of Jesus, you were set free. That kind of grace demands a response. Not perfection. Not immediate healing. But a willing heart to go to God and say: “I want to forgive. I just don’t know how.”
Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Reconciliation
Let’s stop here for a second and make this abundantly clear:
Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation.
Forgiveness does not mean re-entry.
Forgiveness does not mean silence.
Forgiveness is not denial.
Reconciliation requires two repentant hearts. If the person who hurt you is unrepentant—if they deny it, gaslight you, or continue their abuse—you are under no biblical obligation to return to the relationship. In fact, God often removes people from your life for your protection.
But you are still called to forgive. Why? Because bitterness is poison you drink hoping they’ll die. But the only one dying is you. And God wants to heal you.
Honesty in Prayer: The Only Way to Start
If you’re serious about forgiveness and your relationship with God, you need to bring your rawest, ugliest thoughts to Him.
Be honest with God.
Tell Him everything.
Name the person. Name the event. Name the feelings. Be uncensored.
“God, I hate her. I don’t want to forgive her. She ruined my childhood. She made me feel worthless. I still have nightmares. I can’t even pray for her without feeling rage. I want justice.”
He can handle it. He already knows. There’s no point in acting holy in prayer when your heart is in pieces. Speak to Him like you’d speak to a friend. Or a therapist. Or the version of you that was silenced when the trauma happened.
God doesn’t need perfect words. He needs your truth. Because that’s where healing starts.
You Can’t Forgive Without the Holy Spirit
Let’s not pretend you can white-knuckle your way through this. You cannot forgive deep wounds in your own strength. Forgiveness and your relationship with God are built on grace, not gritting your teeth.
That’s where the Holy Spirit comes in. When you admit you can’t do it, the Spirit empowers you. He softens your heart. He pulls the poison out slowly, day by day.
And this is a process. Some days, you’ll feel like you’ve made progress. Other days, one memory can send you spiralling. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re still healing.
So keep going back to God.
Keep saying, “Help me forgive.”
Keep asking, “Make my heart like Yours.”
Pray for Them — Even If It Hurts
Here’s the part that hurts the most:
Jesus said, “Pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)
You may think, “Why would I ever pray for the person who destroyed me?”
But that’s the thing. You’re not praying because they deserve it. You’re praying because your heart needs to be free. You’re praying because God sees their soul, and whether we like it or not, He died for them too.
So start small.
“God, I don’t want to pray for them. But You asked me to. So… I pray for their salvation. I pray they see their sin. I pray You break through their blindness. And I pray You help me forgive, even if it’s just 1% more today.”
It doesn’t have to be poetic. It just has to be honest.
When Forgiveness Feels Impossible
There are some days where forgiveness feels like a mountain. And maybe you’ve been carrying decades of trauma. Maybe the pain feels too deep to ever let go. Maybe you’re scared that forgiving them means they “get away with it.”
But hear this:
Forgiveness isn’t saying it was okay.
Forgiveness is saying you’re done carrying it.
You hand it over to God—the only One who can judge rightly.
You let Him deal with them, while you heal.
Because the scary part? If you hold on to unforgiveness, you become the one in bondage. Not them. You risk walking through life with chains Jesus already broke.
Worse, Jesus said in Matthew 6:15:
“But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Sis, that’s eternity we’re talking about.
My Story: Praying for My Abuser
Let me bring this home with my own story.
There’s someone in my life who caused me deep harm. I was emotionally, verbally, and psychologically abused. And God told me to pray for her.
I didn’t want to. I fought it. I cried. I yelled. I avoided it.
But He was clear.
So now, every so often, I pray for her salvation. Not because I’m okay with what she did. Not because I’ve fully healed. But because I know her soul is at risk. And because God commanded it.
She doesn’t know what she’s doing to her own soul. But I do. And now that I know better, I have to pray better.
You Will Heal. One Honest Prayer at a Time.
Forgiveness isn’t a cute Instagram quote. It’s a spiritual war. But you’re not fighting alone. Jesus sees you. He knows how heavy it is. And He’s not asking you to do it alone.
So take it one day at a time.
One prayer at a time.
One breath at a time.
Tell God the truth. Ask Him to help. And trust that in time, your heart will soften.
Final Thoughts on Forgiveness and Your Relationship With God
Don’t let unforgiveness poison your connection to God. Forgiveness and your relationship with God are too important to ignore. Your healing is not dependent on your abuser apologising. It’s dependent on your honesty with God.
So ask Him. Cry to Him. Scream if you have to. But don’t harden your heart.
Because unforgiveness may feel like power—but it’s actually a prison.
And Jesus already unlocked the door.
📖 If this post on forgiveness and your relationship with God helped you, consider supporting the blog…
➡️ Read the rest of Faith Flow Blog